Introducing... The Kickass Donkeysauce Cheeseburger

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The scene opens with a close up on a man's rugged face.

His mustache looks like it was the only thing that survived a wreck between a Camaro and another Camaro. His entire aura - the glasses, haircut, and gorgeous eyes, is like the 80's are trying to crawl out of your television and formally invite you on a midnight crime-fighting boat cruise to Dangertown. It is implied that ninjas, karate, and wisecracking robot cars will be involved in some way, and probably also some kissing. We're not 100% sure if there will be kissing, or who (if anyone) will be kissed by whom. We're at about DEFCON 4-ish for kissing. But almost certainly ninjas and karate fights. PG-13, Viewer discretion is advised, etc.

Hey, Todd.
You ever have a rough day?

Zoom in on the eyes. The gorgeous eyes. Kissing threat just moved to DEFCON 3.

M-mm.
I feel ya.

He winks. He grins.

You know what helps me deal with a rough day?

Sneer. Nod. The tip of his tongue, against his lower lip.

I'll tell ya, Wally...
It's kickass meat.

The camera zooms out. We see now that the man is wearing a chef's apron. He's got a spatula in one hand, and a HUGE DELICIOUS cheeseburger in the other. He's smiling like he's trying to sell you a cheeseburger, which is convenient since that's what he's actually about to do.

Hi.
I'm Chef Alton Kickass.
I'm the owner and head chef of Kickass Meat Company™.
HOME...
of the spiciest half-pound of meat you'll ever welcome into your mouth...
The Kickass Donkeysauce Cheeseburger.

Told ya. Chef Kickass places the spatula in his apron pocket, and uses his free hand to motion towards the cheeseburger.

Lemmie paint ya a picture, Steve:

Two quarter-pound sirloin beef patties...
Six strips of applewood-smoked Black Forest bacon...
Four slices of our signature GhostJack™ Cheddar Cheese...
Two toasted kimmelweck buns...
And as much carmelized onion, smoked jalapeno, and spicy Kickass Donkeysauce as you can handle.

The camera zooms back into those eyes. Y'know. The gorgeous ones.

Even if it's none.

Chef Kickass smiles... Tilts his head forward... Licks his lips... Cocks his eyebrow.

It's okay, Jack.
I won't judge you either way.

The camera zooms back out to the full-body shot again. With a flick of his free wrist, Chef Kickass motions towards the delicious looking cheeseburger.

That, right there, friends...
is the Kickass Donkeysauce Cheeseburger.
And it'd be my pleasure to slide one your way...
all day...
every day...
At Kickass Meat Company™.

Chef Alton Kickass takes a big bite out of the delicious looking cheeseburger. As he chews, the logo and slogan for Kickass Meat Company ("You Just Can't Beat Our Kickass Meat™") appears on the screen. He swallows the bite with gusto and takes one more look at the camera.

Hungry?

Fade to black.