Post by Gabrielle Visconty on Jan 5, 2020 12:47:07 GMT -6
1-3-2020
Gabi's apparent. Honolulu, Hawaii
7:51 pm
Mixed feelings on the fans at the airport. Do they really care or just want that photo op with a broken Gabi Vee? Something to toss on IG or Tweet to their friends... Hard to force a smile when your face hurts and is bruised up in just about every color of the rainbow.
Flying with mending ribs sucks. Don't do it! The subtle pressure changes you feel in your ears, multiply that by 5 for your ribs. Painkillers are my best friend when flying... that and a shot of Beam to chase it. lol
I'm home. Izumi has taking up residence in my spare room. She's not going to leave me alone...
It's good to be back in Hawaii but I can't get past that impending feeling of doom looming just under the sunshine and ocean breeze.
Lawyers contacting me about my parents estate. I am going to have to face it sooner-or-later.
I don't want to go to the house yet. I can't.
1-4-2020
Gabi's apartment. Honolulu, Hawaii
1:19 am
One hell of a bad nightmare snapped me out of sleep like I had just taken a Clay Byrd body slam. Ribs loved it. Shaking.
Thoughts are clearing up. I can at least focus on things a little better. Headaches aren't so bad now. Still have a ringing in my left ear that they tell me may never go away. But I am lucky.
Standing on my balcony practicing my breathing exercises. Hurts but I need to do it.
I should contact Ruthann... maybe later.
1-4-2020
Gabi's apartment. Honolulu, Hawaii
4:00 pm
PTSD/Grief counseling. Blah, blah, blah... 'can't bury your pain Gabrielle'. That sounds like a challenge.
They talked to Izumi in private. That's not giving me warm fuzzies. Guess I am a suicide risk? If I was going to do it, I would have done it a week ago.
Headset on, drowning out the rest of the world. Korn – Dirty. 'I just want to laugh again'. Am I torturing myself?
Izumi bitching about my painkiller intake. Fuck off. You try dealing with all this.
1-5-2020
Queen's Beach. Honolulu Hawaii
3:50 am
Snuck out and walked down to the beach. Sitting here in the sand and watching the waves. So peaceful.
Izumi is going to shit lava if she wakes up and looks for me. Lmao
Headset on and waiting for the sun rise... Nine Inch Nails – The Great Below. So fitting.
1-5-2020
Gabi's apartment. Honolulu, Hawaii
6:15 am
Gabi's apparent. Honolulu, Hawaii
7:51 pm
Mixed feelings on the fans at the airport. Do they really care or just want that photo op with a broken Gabi Vee? Something to toss on IG or Tweet to their friends... Hard to force a smile when your face hurts and is bruised up in just about every color of the rainbow.
Flying with mending ribs sucks. Don't do it! The subtle pressure changes you feel in your ears, multiply that by 5 for your ribs. Painkillers are my best friend when flying... that and a shot of Beam to chase it. lol
I'm home. Izumi has taking up residence in my spare room. She's not going to leave me alone...
It's good to be back in Hawaii but I can't get past that impending feeling of doom looming just under the sunshine and ocean breeze.
Lawyers contacting me about my parents estate. I am going to have to face it sooner-or-later.
I don't want to go to the house yet. I can't.
1-4-2020
Gabi's apartment. Honolulu, Hawaii
1:19 am
One hell of a bad nightmare snapped me out of sleep like I had just taken a Clay Byrd body slam. Ribs loved it. Shaking.
Thoughts are clearing up. I can at least focus on things a little better. Headaches aren't so bad now. Still have a ringing in my left ear that they tell me may never go away. But I am lucky.
Standing on my balcony practicing my breathing exercises. Hurts but I need to do it.
I should contact Ruthann... maybe later.
1-4-2020
Gabi's apartment. Honolulu, Hawaii
4:00 pm
PTSD/Grief counseling. Blah, blah, blah... 'can't bury your pain Gabrielle'. That sounds like a challenge.
They talked to Izumi in private. That's not giving me warm fuzzies. Guess I am a suicide risk? If I was going to do it, I would have done it a week ago.
Headset on, drowning out the rest of the world. Korn – Dirty. 'I just want to laugh again'. Am I torturing myself?
Izumi bitching about my painkiller intake. Fuck off. You try dealing with all this.
1-5-2020
Queen's Beach. Honolulu Hawaii
3:50 am
Snuck out and walked down to the beach. Sitting here in the sand and watching the waves. So peaceful.
Izumi is going to shit lava if she wakes up and looks for me. Lmao
Headset on and waiting for the sun rise... Nine Inch Nails – The Great Below. So fitting.
Gabi's apartment. Honolulu, Hawaii
6:15 am
I walk back into my apartment to be greeted by a hysterical Izumi. I was right – she shit lava. She's mad af about me walking to the beach without letting her know. I don't need her here. I don't need anyone.
“I think it is time for you to go home Izumi.”
My words are cold and monotone. She looks up from the table, searching my face, stunned look on her own.
“I can take care of myself.”
I reassure her in the same tone. She still has the same look on her face, only this time there is some confusion.
“Gabi I don't think,”
She pauses, carefully thinking her words.
“I don't think that is a good idea. Maybe next week?”
fuck that!
She offers me a weak smile, trying her best to sooth my sudden revelation. That's it - they did tell her I was a suicide risk; I can see it in her eyes. There is a terrible moment of awkward silence between us. She looks away and sighs.
“They told you I could kill myself?”
fuck them! they don't know me
I question her. I can feel my face flush in anger. Why does it bother me what anyone thinks? She looks back up to me, pity in her eyes.
don't you pity me bitch
“I'm scared for you Gabi. I want to be here for you.”
just leave me alone
“Like you let me be there for you when you broke your back?”
touché
I fire back, venom in my words. It was a low blow, dirty of me to use that against her. I want to hurt her. Success. She tears up and shakes her head slightly.
that tripped her up
“That wasn't my call. My parents,”
there it is
Her eyes widen in horror as the words escape her lips. Checkmate.
oh, don't look so shocked
“I don't have that option now, do I?”
got ya
The words hiss from my lips in triumph. Izumi trembles slightly as she stands there, a tear runs down her cheek.
“Gabi I am so sorry.”
w-what have I done?!
The look on Izumi's face... I just stabbed her in the heart. She doesn't know what to do or say as she stares at me. I'm suddenly lost for words. This is not me. I'm crying? Why am I trying to drive her away?
“Izumi... I,”
what have I done?
I don't know what to say. I've verbally maneuvered her into a trap and set it off. The brief moment of satisfaction I had is now replaced by sorrow as I realize what I have done. The ringing in my ears is loud.
“I'm sorry Izumi, that wasn't fair.”
why am I doing this?
She hugs me.
“They told me you might be like this.”
I hug her back and bury my face in her shoulder. She's been such a good friend for the nearly 4 years I have known her. She's been my sister – in the ring and out.
“Daijoobu desu ka.”
She questions me. Her words don't immediately register in my mind – my Japanese isn't great. I think she just asked me if I was alright, and in my current state of scrambled brains I am not going to rely on my own translation.
“Am I alright?”
I question her.
“Hai, Tenshi.”
I chuckle softly. I've made her so uncomfortable that she has reverted to Japanese.
“Hai, Kijo.”
not really
We stand there for a while, both of us crying.
what have I become?
My words are cold and monotone. She looks up from the table, searching my face, stunned look on her own.
“I can take care of myself.”
I reassure her in the same tone. She still has the same look on her face, only this time there is some confusion.
“Gabi I don't think,”
She pauses, carefully thinking her words.
“I don't think that is a good idea. Maybe next week?”
fuck that!
She offers me a weak smile, trying her best to sooth my sudden revelation. That's it - they did tell her I was a suicide risk; I can see it in her eyes. There is a terrible moment of awkward silence between us. She looks away and sighs.
“They told you I could kill myself?”
fuck them! they don't know me
I question her. I can feel my face flush in anger. Why does it bother me what anyone thinks? She looks back up to me, pity in her eyes.
don't you pity me bitch
“I'm scared for you Gabi. I want to be here for you.”
just leave me alone
“Like you let me be there for you when you broke your back?”
touché
I fire back, venom in my words. It was a low blow, dirty of me to use that against her. I want to hurt her. Success. She tears up and shakes her head slightly.
that tripped her up
“That wasn't my call. My parents,”
there it is
Her eyes widen in horror as the words escape her lips. Checkmate.
oh, don't look so shocked
“I don't have that option now, do I?”
got ya
The words hiss from my lips in triumph. Izumi trembles slightly as she stands there, a tear runs down her cheek.
“Gabi I am so sorry.”
w-what have I done?!
The look on Izumi's face... I just stabbed her in the heart. She doesn't know what to do or say as she stares at me. I'm suddenly lost for words. This is not me. I'm crying? Why am I trying to drive her away?
“Izumi... I,”
what have I done?
I don't know what to say. I've verbally maneuvered her into a trap and set it off. The brief moment of satisfaction I had is now replaced by sorrow as I realize what I have done. The ringing in my ears is loud.
“I'm sorry Izumi, that wasn't fair.”
why am I doing this?
She hugs me.
“They told me you might be like this.”
I hug her back and bury my face in her shoulder. She's been such a good friend for the nearly 4 years I have known her. She's been my sister – in the ring and out.
“Daijoobu desu ka.”
She questions me. Her words don't immediately register in my mind – my Japanese isn't great. I think she just asked me if I was alright, and in my current state of scrambled brains I am not going to rely on my own translation.
“Am I alright?”
I question her.
“Hai, Tenshi.”
I chuckle softly. I've made her so uncomfortable that she has reverted to Japanese.
“Hai, Kijo.”
not really
We stand there for a while, both of us crying.
what have I become?