Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2022 18:40:55 GMT -6
(OOC: I wanted to post this piece that I had written prior to going on vacation and botching the BRAWL match against Salvation. Sorry bout the no-show. I also didn't wanna use something I've been sitting on against Jadyn.)
THE BOOK OF JUDAS III:
SALVATION IS FOR SUCKERS
THE BOOK OF JUDAS III:
SALVATION IS FOR SUCKERS
Fragility, my body ached and my stomach groaned from starvation. I refused to be weak. I refused to let them see me break. No matter the amount of burns, the tissue would scar but I would heal. Cut me up and I mend together again. “This one is strong willed, we will see how strong he really is, if he is the one we’ve been searching for…” The voice from behind a mask, they were all the same to me, none of them had more importance than the other, monsters, all of them.
Dangling there for who knows how long, I felt death breathing down my neck, circling above like a vulture anticipating my demise. Not even a teenager and this is how it would all end, my final chapter.
“You must be the one they’ve told me about. You know, we’ve had a hundred percent failure rate, zero survivors, searching for that one. I question your purity even though they believe your resiliency should inspire quite the offering.” Pacing around me slowly I watched as a different masked figure sized me up. This one was different from the others, one of the few that actually stood out.
Whimpering coming from down the hall as the dungeonesque door slowly opened. They drug her in, sliding on her knees, not quite as lifeless as I was. “I know how to get you to react. You don’t think I haven’t observed you two, how you support one another, how you’re there for one another. Empathy is not lost on you boy…” My blood began to boil over as he started to move towards her. My pathetically weak attempt to move the chains, rip them from the walls, to no avail. The gleam in my eyes, he knew it was working.
"Our scars and wounds we carry with us for a lifetime over, future generations will undoubtedly feel these wounds and bare these scars."
- Dean Judas
Lying on my back engulfed by darkness, I could still hear her crying in the corner of our little closet sized room. Indescribable horrors, the things they did to her I never want to relive that imagery. Yet somehow, she survived and never quit, we held each other accountable that way, relying on one another for strength.
“Crying won’t get us anywhere, it’s time we get outta here…” I spoke without care, I didn’t skip a beat, it was as if I had some sort of foolproof plan. Everything was simply coming to a head, the psychological powder keg about to blow. Just a ticking time bomb, waiting to blow my top. I wanna believe in Jesus, hammer in the final nail, help me pick up the pieces.
---
*Heavy Breathing*
We had to have been running for miles, all but collapsing from exhaustion I clutched onto a large oak tree to keep from falling. She grabbed onto me propping me up, her hands running up to my face, I could feel her fingers trembling as she delicately touched my swollen eyes and cheeks. “Animals…” kissing my cheek as she tried to keep her tears inside, my face had to look like Sloth from The Goonies. “We have to keep moving, this isn’t a safe place.” Sure, we could’ve camped there for the night but my mouth just spoke without thinking, running on fumes.
Night began to give to the daylight as the sky became a warm blue hue. All night long we ran and ran. Seeking safety we ducked underneath the deck of an old looking building. Rest was needed, as much as I wanted to keep going, it was wise to stop. “We can sleep here for the night, first thing in the morning we’re moving.” The sternness in my voice made her shutdown as she closed her eyes slipping away into a deep sleep. It didn’t take much longer for me to curl up and follow suit.
*Train Whistle*
Quickly sitting up startled by the sounds of a train I shot up, hitting my head on a wooden support beam. “Son of a…” looking around I didn’t see her. Where did she go? Panic began to set in as I shouted out with a whisper “NIKKI!” There was no way she would’ve left me there alone. Crawling around on my hands and knees I covered the entire area “HEY!” Shouting out a little louder still trying to maintain my cover. “Where the FUCK are you!?” Watching the legs of people walking around from beneath the building I waited for the right moment before crawling out from under.
People rushing around and waiting for their trains. We had made it to a train station, lucky us. Crowds of people, no one even noticed me, my face beat to a pulp, my clothes barely attached to my body, disheveled, frail, non-existent to them. Panic started to set in as I scanned through the people trying to spot her. Nothing.
Feeling a hand placed on my shoulder “well there you are…” I felt at ease that she had returned to me. Turning to embrace her I was met with the eyes of the Devil. My blood left my body, pale ghost white, stunned and unable to move I watched as he grinned sinisterly, his grip tightening. “So much fight, so much determination, admirable, stupid, but admirable. The train station?” Cackling a bit he draped a blanket over my shoulders squeezing them tightly as he ushered me through the crowd. I thought the nightmare had come to an end, this was just the second circle.
“Excuse me sir, you dropped this.” Just a kind stranger offering help, he handed the Devil a small set of keys to which the Devil nodded with appreciation. Turning from me to retrieve his keys I took the moment upon myself to...
RUN run RUN
SAFE! I could hear the voice of an umpire in my head as I leapt out clutching onto the railing, holding on for dear life, freedom.
Gathering myself a bit I turned around to take in the scene. Watching me like a hawk the Devil wasn’t done with me yet, I felt his cold pale stare piercing right through me. Suddenly he smiled. She was standing with him, his hands wrapped tightly around her. I wanted to jump out and run to her. Tears rolled down her cheeks, she shook her head “no” and mouthed the word “go”...I felt stuck again. Sick to my stomach that I didn’t protect her, so much of now stems from that moment. I’ll never blame her for deep down resentment despite what she vocalizes.
coward COWARD COWARD COWARD coward
---
Sitting on a bus with my headphones on I was all smiles, ready to dump the pro wrestling industry right on it’s fucking head. Brutalizing music filled the ears as I kissed Nikki goodbye. The heart shaped note was still tucked in my jacket pocket, I had forgotten about it at that point. “You’re gonna be special…” Softly spoken words had never hit me harder. I would take that with me and use it, it still drives me to this day.
Walking backstage after a successful debut victory I couldn’t help but have a certain swagger to my step. Grabbing a towel that hung in my locker I dried off a bit tossing it to the side. Whistling my own music I was a mark for myself. Piece by piece I dressed myself again but as I tossed on the jacket I noticed the letter she had stuffed into my pocket. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, the letter needed to be read.
“My Darling Dean, I don’t even know how to begin to say this. I never could seem to find the words or the courage to vocalize them. It’s probably because I don’t want to ruin your big dreams or put a damper on things. I don’t really know how you’ll take the fact that I’m pregnant, 11 weeks as I write this letter. I wish I could see your face and see how you’re taking all of this. I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger and tell you sooner. I don’t want you to worry and I want you to stick with the plan. When you come home, you’ll just have two people you can be protective of. I love you and can’t wait to see you.”
Indifferent. I didn’t even know how to really feel after reading her words. I needed a seat as I plopped down onto the folding chair to my right. I sure as fuck didn’t want a kid but knew the game I was playing. Guess it was good she didn’t tell me in person, my reaction wasn’t the best look. Selfishly I wanted more time with just us, now something else would be infringing upon that. What the fuck?
---
I don’t remember much that day aside from the still framed images burnt into my memory that I’ve done everything possible to rid myself of. The foam coming from her mouth as I broke down the door to our bathroom. Naturally everything had been my fault. I left her alone, I stopped replying, I wasn’t there for support. I was prepared to face her that day and deal with the consequences of my actions, kiss and make up.
FLASHING RED LIGHTS
They worked on her over and over before hitting her with the Narcan. I'm thankful to have her and thankful she wasn’t taken from me that day. Truth be told, she was taken from me that day, things would never be the same. I killed the light that was inside her, extinguished her flame. I wanted her for what she did FOR me, now that had become NOTHING. I ran again, it was the easy way out.
Stubbornness on both ends caused us to never speak again. She looked at her phone waiting for me as much as I did the same. Neither one of us would come to the other and open that line of communication again. Something deep down inside of me wanted me to call her, to have her back in my life. Somehow I'd feel that way forever.
Simply a Shakespearean ending to this play. I knew if one day I had it all, I’d fuck it up.
Stubbornness on both ends caused us to never speak again. She looked at her phone waiting for me as much as I did the same. Neither one of us would come to the other and open that line of communication again. Something deep down inside of me wanted me to call her, to have her back in my life. Somehow I'd feel that way forever.
Simply a Shakespearean ending to this play. I knew if one day I had it all, I’d fuck it up.
---
“Dean Judas, can we get a word!?” A handful of dirtsheeters and EWC morons surrounded me with their stupid shitty halo lights and camera phones shoving them in my face to get my reaction and post match commentary.
“It was a loss, as ridiculous as the way it ended, I wasn’t the winner that was announced. Maldetto proved my point that bad luck doesn’t exist, only dumb luck. Maybe he took what I had to say to heart and as the Clumsy Mucha Lucha, he fumbled his way to victory. I still have no idea how that carabiner came free. Conspiracy theorist gonna theorize. All I’m gonna say is FUCK MALDETTO. He's so fuckin' stupid he thought I was on Rampage. We aren’t some kinda kindred spirits. If I ever run into you again, I’m kicking your teeth down your throat and ripping that stupid fucking mask off.”
Arrangements had already been made, I didn’t wanna speak anymore to the morons in front of me. I wanted a more controlled environment. Calling in a favor to a young reporter that was looking to break into the business I knew I could get him to shape the narrative the way I wanted to. Pushing through I snatched my gym bag and stormed off to the parking garage.
“Mr. Judas, over here.” Frantically waving this odd looking fellow that looked like neither man nor woman but a boy lesbian. Shaking my head I knew that this thing must’ve been the reporter, he had a plastic tripod propped up and was ready to go. I couldn’t help but notice the oversized bow tie it was sporting. I hated everything about this scene. Fuck it, it’d would have to do.
“Now it’s time for Judas to speak! I paid good money to have the best of the best…” Just as I started to speak I was interrupted by the reporter “I thought I wasn’t getting paid?” Raising my hand towards him I gave him a look before continuing on. “Shut up, this idiot is a hot shot reporter, Justin DaButt. He's got the most viewed” “It’s actually…” “QUIET!” “Debitt…” “Shhhh!” Placing my finger against his lips I pushed his face back causing him to stumble. I looked disgusted as I wiped my semi-wet finger off on his shirt.
“What you saw tonight was a fluke, an absolute disgrace to this very business. You can take this one to the bank and cash that shit, Dean Judas is going to fuckin’ run over whoever they throw at him on Monday Night Brawl. Tune in if you wanna see me work. Toe to toe, nobody can fuck with me. Send them all down, Judas reigns supreme. I told you this before, this is MY KINGDOM, just looks like I’m gonna have to take it by force.” Heavily breathing at the end of my statement I stared into the camera my upper lip twitching with anger. Justin’s feet shuffling around caused me to break focus, I turned to him and pushed him out of the way. “Hey!” He quietly barked back as I caused him to stumble into his little tripod knocking everything over.
||CUT||
---
---
“Dean, do you recall any of our previous sessions? I’d like to see exactly how far we’ve strayed and what work needs to be done in order to get back to where we were. I remember all of the wonderful strides you had made. Don’t worry, we’ll get back to that comfortable place again.” Her voice was soothing but the intentions were untrustworthy. We had an argument and my violent outburst had brought me here. I agreed to get some “help” again because I was “losing my mind”. What the fuck did Nikki know anyway.
SIGH
I breathed in deeply and thought it was best to get the ball rolling, the sooner I played up remorse and understanding, the sooner she could prescribe me and we could move on with our lives. “I lashed out at my wife. The pressures of moving and her pregnancy have gotten me a little tightly wound. Nikki blames the business but I’m more than capable of leaving work at home. Stressful times…” Trailing off a bit I shrugged my shoulders easing myself lower into the couch.
“Nikki? We aren’t having more Nikki experiences are we?” I raised an eyebrow at the question, I barely remembered our previous sessions because I hated them but she was just sounding stupid, what a horrible shrink. “You aren’t answering my question Dean. Are you still seeing Nikki?” This broad was clueless, holy fuck. “Clearly I’m still married to my wife, Nikki, I literally just spoke about her. Did you not jot that down or what?” Her face went sideways as she tapped her tablet with her fuckin plastic pen, fuck off already. “You’ve regressed more than I could’ve imagined Dean. You aren’t married to Nikki, there’s never been a Nikki. You’re married to Valerie Latilllia. We believe through our discussions that you created this Nikki person as a means to deal with your childhood traumas. It’s normal to revert to these types of…” She trailed off in my mind, I didn’t want to hear it or believe it. Everything went blank and a sharp ringing burned through my eardrums.
Dissociative Identity Disorder
I swallowed hard and nodded my head. She handed me my prescription as I robotically exited her office. She knows not what I feel, she knows not what I see...Nikki was always there, forever and ever. With Nikki I wasn’t alone, with Nikki I had strength, with Nikki I wasn’t afraid. My darling Nikki…
---
What had she done? Her sinister smile, bathing in a bloodbath. We hadn’t seen each other in years, we made a pact and had an agreement to go our separate ways. I thought we had both found happiness apart from one another. She stole away my happiness. I was supposed to be a father I was supposed to be the provider. “You and I can be together forever now, don’t you see what I’ve done? Don’t you LOVE ME!?” Her words hit me quick and hard. “Of course I love you and I want to be with you forever…” Instant response, she was there for the taking, everything I wanted and all my desires. I could always escape with her. Giving in was just too easy.
"CLEAR!"
My chest was being hammered as I started to see again, feeling my heart pump HARD, long pause, HARD, long pause. “We’ve got life in this one. How’s it coming on the woman?” Faint voices rang through my head as I tried to gather my bearings. “She’s not responding.” Panic set in as I could hear mass scrambling and so many voices it sounded like pure chaos.
“We were able to save the father but the mother and child weren’t able to be saved.” Struggling to breathe even with a giant tube down my throat I continued to forcefully blink trying to rid myself of the blurred vision, to no avail. Slipping further out of consciousness I was fighting the biggest bout of my life.
Deeply entranced, I could hear her voice calling out to me “Don’t let them tell you I’m not real, don’t let them get rid of me. You know you need me as much as I need you. They don’t want me to exist simply to stop you from becoming anything and everything you desire.” Her hand on my face, the familiar touch, I need it, I want it.
Jolting awake, vision completely clear. I uncomfortably removed the tube from down my throat and disassembled myself from the fuckin machines. Fleeing the scene, I had enough with the misery. Lying there lifeless, trying to breathe, losing all that I had loved, running seemed to always be my means to an end.
---
Mentally unstable, a recovering addict that spent my childhood in the gutter abusing my mind and my body. Deeply addicted to the point I’d given my substances of choice a name, a personality. My childhood love, my mistress, nothing more than a coping mechanism.
What else could it have been? I fell off a cliff but somehow this blackened heart continued to beat like a war drum.
“She’d” been gone for some time now yet there I stood again, staring down from a rocky cliff. Water crashing up against the rocky abyss as my eyes began to get lost. So easy to let go and give in, standing there all it took was one step and everything goes back to how it once was, peaceful.
Dangling a foot over I playfully danced with Death and a smile perked up across my face. Breathing in deeply I could feel my heart beginning to race and my adrenaline was hammering, the war drum beating.
thump, thump, thump, thump...THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP
Gravel began to give way beneath my as the red bottoms started to slip, my back foot instinctively popped backwards stabilizing this Adonis like body.
*HEAVY PANTING*
The camera crew audibly gasped as I slowly stepped backwards, chuckling to myself turning around doing a casual about-face. “Lotta people watching probably wished I would’ve lost my step, they wish they could’ve witnessed me fall, they hoped and preyed that it would've been the last time they’d have to see this face…” My head turned to the hard camera as I tossed out a wink letting the pearly whites shine bright.
“...Sorry to disappoint...”
“The chatter over the course of this week has been, Judas is exactly that, a has been, some even say a never was. Buncha bullshit drivel from incoherent retards that couldn’t formulate a sentence. Genericism runs fuckin’ rampant in EWC. I’ve been here long enough to figure this shit out already. There isn't somebody on this entire roster that stands out to me, all brands, all bland. Flavorless like Guy Fieri's antagonist. Don't worry folks, Judas got that juice, no Jamba. Strike first, strike hard, black mamba. NO MERCY. I'm not here to save you. I'm here to show you that you need to SAVIORSELF. I live do shit my way. I live to march to the beat of this war drum..." Pounding my chest over my heart like a beast I stared down the hard camera.
“What you don’t like the shit that comes outta my mouth? I’m immature, yuuup, I’m obnoxious, one hundred, I’m an arrogant, self-centered genuine piece of shit, BET!” Raising my lip I snarled a bit. “Everything I’ve been through and all that shit I’ve dealt with in my life and yet I’m nothing but a dime a dozen of these guys walking around claiming to have an edge? That’s gotta be the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard come outta someone’s mouth. Fuckin clown. Who the fuck is Salvadork Salvation Sally sells seashells by the seashore? Nobody even knows. Legit all you do is sit around with your bitch and do just that, bitch. Like a couple of gossip girls, regular ol’ ya ya sisterhood type of bitch sessions. Fuck you both.” Two fingers up to Salvadork and his placating woman. Says a lot about a dude that needs a yes girl to appease him. Everything about Salvadork screams insecure nerd.
“Yeah, I’m mad, yeah, I lose my cool easy, yeah, I don’t have any tolerance for bullshit or anyone I find inferior.” I could feel my blood beginning to boil. “You would be too! YOU WOULD BE TOO! If you’d have lost like I’ve lost, if you ever felt what I felt. When I laid on the table, clinging onto life, there was no God around, no higher power, magic being, just darkness. I saved myself that day, pure fuckin’ tenacity and will power. The same shit that keeps me fuckin’ goin’ every single day. The blood that runs through these veins, the work I put into this shit every single day, THAT'S what pulled me through. I built myself up and I'm the fuckin' only one that can pull the plug.” Shaking my head, people still couldn't grasp the fact that none of this spiritual bullshit is real.
“Take these fuckin shoes, put em on and walk you some. You’d never survive having to come up like I did. I could give a fuck how long Salvation suckled from his mother’s teat, this formula baby could definitely grow a full beard unlike Patch Adams over there. I am genuinely oh so excited to see Dr. Gloom's next promo about me. It'll be just what I need to get some good Z's.” Eyeroll. He was now dubbed Dr. Gloom because his dull ass promos are instant depression to the viewer. Not this boring fuck again, as they reach for their bottles of Lexapro.
“Take these fuckin shoes, put em on and walk you some. You’d never survive having to come up like I did. I could give a fuck how long Salvation suckled from his mother’s teat, this formula baby could definitely grow a full beard unlike Patch Adams over there. I am genuinely oh so excited to see Dr. Gloom's next promo about me. It'll be just what I need to get some good Z's.” Eyeroll. He was now dubbed Dr. Gloom because his dull ass promos are instant depression to the viewer. Not this boring fuck again, as they reach for their bottles of Lexapro.
“For a man that seeks Salvation, you perpetuate lies and slander those to which you wish to gain advantage over. I’ve come across many of you in my time. You say I’m a dime a dozen? I’m always going to be me, Dean Judas, love me or hate me. You, you’re just like all those who grasp onto a higher power for guidence. You’re a hypocrite. James 1:26 “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.” You should probably quit, hypocrite.” Clicking my teeth I laughed a bit before running my hands through my hair and placing them back into my Peacoat pockets.
"This world of violence where we perpetuate the destruction of others, this might as well be the "Devil's" playground. Signed with the Devil to sell God. Salvation is reserved for those seeking redemption, approval from someone or something. I seek nothing from no one. I'm strictly here to assert my dominance and display my superiority. Fuck your faith. Drown in my disdain. Each fist I hammer you with is more proof that these hedonistic hands, calloused with sin are much stronger and better suited for this world...much more so than that those of a page turner. You were bred by books of science and fairytales of faith by design. I was forged in a fire of self-preservation. When you face me, rest assured that pain is eminent." Nodding my head agreeing with my own statements, yeah I laugh at my own jokes too. My eyes narrowed in as I felt a smile begin to creep across my face.
"This world of violence where we perpetuate the destruction of others, this might as well be the "Devil's" playground. Signed with the Devil to sell God. Salvation is reserved for those seeking redemption, approval from someone or something. I seek nothing from no one. I'm strictly here to assert my dominance and display my superiority. Fuck your faith. Drown in my disdain. Each fist I hammer you with is more proof that these hedonistic hands, calloused with sin are much stronger and better suited for this world...much more so than that those of a page turner. You were bred by books of science and fairytales of faith by design. I was forged in a fire of self-preservation. When you face me, rest assured that pain is eminent." Nodding my head agreeing with my own statements, yeah I laugh at my own jokes too. My eyes narrowed in as I felt a smile begin to creep across my face.
“When I speak I make you feel hatred, I say shit that’ll get right under your skin, make you feel uncomfortable. I confront you with shit you don’t like about yourself, I bring out the real shit and never pull a punch. I make you think. Now when we fight...I make you feel pain. Every single time I hit you it makes you pre-wince in anticipation of the next shot. You know when you open up a brand new mustard bottle, peel that aluminum back, catch that smell and your mouth starts to water? Yeah, it’s like that kinda reaction. Completely instilled within your psyche and you didn't even know it.” Clenching my fists underneath my jacket my jaw tightened clenching just as hard.
“You don’t like me? Tune me out. I know you can’t, I’m too loud and this shine can’t be ignored. So change the channel, change ya pronouns, grab that security blanket and crawl back into your safe space. Do what you need to do cause Judas will always do Judas...BET!” Getting up from the rock I had been leaning/sitting on I walked away from the cameras and left the scene.
#SAVIORSELF
