Post by Gabrielle Visconty on Jan 9, 2023 16:17:47 GMT -6
Some letters can’t be sent…
I sat there holding the hand written letter in my hands. The crying was over a while ago, yet I probably could if I would let myself. This is a letter I would like, no, love to send… but it isn’t possible. I take a deep sigh and begin to re-read my scribbled mess. Wait, my handwriting is normally very good, this just started off good and then I began to think faster than I could write. ‘If you stop and think about it you will never express yourself the way you intend.’. Yeah, that is from my year of counseling and just about the only thing that I took to heart from it all.
Anyway, back to re-reading.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I wish I could hand this to you in person or send it in the mail and know you received it. I miss you guys so much. It’s hard to believe that you have been gone for 3 years now. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you guys, or what you would say about things I have done. I guess somethings will never change, yet your wisdom still lingers in everything I do. I hear your words ringing in my mind when I do something "questionable" by your standards.
Candy turned her back on me this year. The single person in this whole world that I had come to put complete faith in… gone. I still don’t understand why she turned against me, but I have stopped worrying about it and pressed on without her. I can’t lie, it’s hard to put that level of trust in anyone now. Someone that put that much so much of herself into making me whole again, then to have her turn on me like nothing, that is still mind numbing to me. I can't explain the amount of pain that put me through. I am kind of ashamed to admit this, I almost relapsed after our match. Candy's husband Robbie had offered a bit of advice when I was living with them - "You are always one stumble away from a relapse.". While I felt I understood what he was saying - I truly think I understand now. There was several times in that match where I looked Candy in the eyes, desperately trying to see her in there, but there wasn't a bit of her there. Only hate. The Candy that had stayed by my side as I struggled through getting sober, the Candy that became my big sister during all of that, she was gone. It was like losing you guys all over again. I didn't want to feel anything...
I’m still training with Ruthann. My “2nd Mom” as I now call her. We’ve both experienced loss of family, so I think we’ve bonded a bit more now that we have common ground. Funny how loss brings people together, huh?
Saidie Sharpe has become my little sister. You guys would totally love her! We’ve had a blast this season when the Candy Castle Crew broke up. As time moves on we have bonded. She’s got a crush and it has been funny to watch her struggle with it. I think she’s gotten past it now… I hope.
Yeah, and then Hank… Well, we parted on less than good terms. He proposed. I just wasn’t ready and told him no. I think I broke his heart when it took me less than a minute to tell him no. I love that big idiot, but I still have my own life I want to live and being a housewife isn’t in that picture – yet. He didn't understand, or didn't want to understand... and he walked away. He's dating some skank from the west shore now. No realtionships for me.. I don't need the distractions.
Aaaaaaand… I sold the house. Yeah, I was clinging to it as a way to stay near you guys, but it was time to move on. I needed to start my own life a new, and I bought a house on the north shore. It was a little more than I wanted to spend, but I did it anyways. It’s so nice and right on the beach. God, I wish you guys could come see it… I wish you could be here right now.
I love you guys and miss you every day.
I sat there holding the hand written letter in my hands. The crying was over a while ago, yet I probably could if I would let myself. This is a letter I would like, no, love to send… but it isn’t possible. I take a deep sigh and begin to re-read my scribbled mess. Wait, my handwriting is normally very good, this just started off good and then I began to think faster than I could write. ‘If you stop and think about it you will never express yourself the way you intend.’. Yeah, that is from my year of counseling and just about the only thing that I took to heart from it all.
Anyway, back to re-reading.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I wish I could hand this to you in person or send it in the mail and know you received it. I miss you guys so much. It’s hard to believe that you have been gone for 3 years now. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you guys, or what you would say about things I have done. I guess somethings will never change, yet your wisdom still lingers in everything I do. I hear your words ringing in my mind when I do something "questionable" by your standards.
Candy turned her back on me this year. The single person in this whole world that I had come to put complete faith in… gone. I still don’t understand why she turned against me, but I have stopped worrying about it and pressed on without her. I can’t lie, it’s hard to put that level of trust in anyone now. Someone that put that much so much of herself into making me whole again, then to have her turn on me like nothing, that is still mind numbing to me. I can't explain the amount of pain that put me through. I am kind of ashamed to admit this, I almost relapsed after our match. Candy's husband Robbie had offered a bit of advice when I was living with them - "You are always one stumble away from a relapse.". While I felt I understood what he was saying - I truly think I understand now. There was several times in that match where I looked Candy in the eyes, desperately trying to see her in there, but there wasn't a bit of her there. Only hate. The Candy that had stayed by my side as I struggled through getting sober, the Candy that became my big sister during all of that, she was gone. It was like losing you guys all over again. I didn't want to feel anything...
I’m still training with Ruthann. My “2nd Mom” as I now call her. We’ve both experienced loss of family, so I think we’ve bonded a bit more now that we have common ground. Funny how loss brings people together, huh?
Saidie Sharpe has become my little sister. You guys would totally love her! We’ve had a blast this season when the Candy Castle Crew broke up. As time moves on we have bonded. She’s got a crush and it has been funny to watch her struggle with it. I think she’s gotten past it now… I hope.
My 4th season was really my year, no matter how you looked at it. I came into the season and beat a lot of big name people, ultimately winning the International title back from Xavier Reid in front of his hometown crowd. I fractured my wrist in the process, but it was 1000% worth it – I would do it all over again just to see the expression on his face when I pinned him. I was ruled “unable to compete” by the Brawl GM – fuck Jim Connors – and stripped of my title. That hurt. Then things started to slide downhill a little… and just as I felt like I was overwhelmed by everything, I signed a Manager. Don’t hate me, but it is Buddy Love... Tommy’s son. I know mom would be really upset with this choice but he isn’t Tommy. There is actually a decent guy under that goofy exterior.
I also managed to win the FX Broadcast title at the end of the season, defending it once... and then I lost it at WrestleFest. Oh, I will win it back. *Flashes a big cheeser grin like Dad's* First match of this coming season is a rematch with the belt on the line. I swear to you both, I won't fail.
Yeah, and then Hank… Well, we parted on less than good terms. He proposed. I just wasn’t ready and told him no. I think I broke his heart when it took me less than a minute to tell him no. I love that big idiot, but I still have my own life I want to live and being a housewife isn’t in that picture – yet. He didn't understand, or didn't want to understand... and he walked away. He's dating some skank from the west shore now. No realtionships for me.. I don't need the distractions.
Aaaaaaand… I sold the house. Yeah, I was clinging to it as a way to stay near you guys, but it was time to move on. I needed to start my own life a new, and I bought a house on the north shore. It was a little more than I wanted to spend, but I did it anyways. It’s so nice and right on the beach. God, I wish you guys could come see it… I wish you could be here right now.
I love you guys and miss you every day.
-Gabi
I fold the letter neatly and place it against my chest as I try to avoid 'blubbering idiot act 2'. I smile to myself and place it in the envelope, then toss it into the fire pit. There is a sense of relief as I watch the heartfelt message burn away to ash. I can't help but chuckle before standing up to rest on the deck railing, looking out over the beautiful sunset on the calm ocean. I know they are still with me... I find comfort in that.
