One Night in Bangkok...

[TheSouthernExpress]

Conrad Tokyo
June 17, 2017
6:04am

(The sound of the clicking on a keyboard breaks the quiet still morning inside suite 12A of the Conrad Tokyo Hotel. The clicking grows louder and louder until it echoes into the small guest room inside the suite where Chrissy Finch, personal assistant to Mr. USA and his tag team partner Harvey Steel is trying to sleep, she turns over to face away from the door and the sound that is creeping under the door jam but it’s not working…)

CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…

(She exhales loudly and grabs the pillow and wraps it in a U shape in hopes of covering her ears and drowning out the sound but it doesn’t work…)

CLICK…CLICK…CLICK…

(She turns over and looks at the clock, you have to be kidding me she thinks to herself as she rolls over onto her back and looks up at the ceiling fan as it goes around and around in her room. This wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, she knew that. Like a child she knew once he was up he was up and it would only be a matter of time before…)

Mr. USA “MISS FINCH…I NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE!!!!”

(And there it was, like clockwork. It had been the same every morning for the last week. Ever since they arrived in Tokyo to work a few dates to pass the time it had been the same morning routine, he was up at the crack of dawn typing out letters to put feelers to see who was hiring and how quickly they could start, she should have gone with Harvey, he was sitting on a beach in Jamaica as we speak, sipping run drinks and letting the sun beat down on his pale white skin…go I hope he burns or gets skin cancer…but she knew had she not come to Japan there would have been a good chance Mr. USA would have accidentally sold himself into some sort of sex trade ring, the fact he hadn’t somehow lost her to some shady Japanese businessman to pay off something was a win in her book….)

Mr. USA “MISS FINCH…ARE YOU AWAKE!?!?!”

(Damn it…)

Chrissy Finch “I’LL BE RIGHT OUT!!!!”

(So much for sleeping in today but she thought given last night’s escapades he might be too tired to continue this madness. He had wrestled in Nippon Budokan arena last night against a kid she had never heard of and who had a name she couldn’t pronounce, it had way too many I’s and E’s with a oddly placed J in there for total confusion and had been disqualified for throwing salt in his eyes right in front of the referee. Sure he had tried to explain to the nice man in the black and white striped shirt that he only did this out of respect for the Japanese culture and the late great Mr. Fuji but the ass-clown wasn’t hearing any of it and called for the bell, apparently throwing salt in the eyes of an opponent isn’t a Japanese thing and something the racists in North America made up as a stereotype move to ‘get over’ as a evil Asian thing I guess…but it still doesn’t explain the DQ from two night’s ago when he went all Great Muta and spit the green mist in that one Punk Rock Japanese’s guy face…you would think they would appreciate us trying to adapt to their culture but NOOOOOO…ring the bell he said…I don’t understand these people…)

Mr. USA “HURRY…I THINK I HAVE A GOOD ONE HERE…”

(So anyways where was I…oh yeah last night, so after that ass-clown disqualified Mr. USA for the old salt in the eyes trick he comes backstage where I was waiting with an official clean Red, White and Blue Mr. USA towel…now on sale for the low cost of $17.99 plus shipping on ShopMr.USA.com…when he tells me to clean myself up because we are going out, that some rich TV guy wants to take us out for dinner and drinks. They are called sponsors over here and it’s all the rage but basically it’s just fans with more money than they know what to do with and want to be seen with famous wrestlers to make up for the fact they have a 2 inch pecker…but anyways we go out with this guy to this place that has the best bacon in all of Asia all because Mr. USA said he missed his two strips of bacon each morning that he normally has at breakfast…now you might be asking, what makes this the best bacon in all of Asia…no…well I was so since I’m telling this story I will tell you why…because the pig that the bacon came from was feed with only Kobe Beef…a pig that only ate beef…Christ do these people get that I once lived on ramen noodles and expired tang for the better part of 9 months…but I digress, so anyways we go to this bacon joint where Mr. USA puts down plate after plate of bacon and because he doesn’t drink kept slipping me all the alcohol this groupie ordered for the table…needless to say I have no idea what time we crawled back home but I know the sun was due up soon and now I’m back up again…all because my boss ‘thinks he has a good one…’ I prayed that someone would hire him full time soon…)

Mr. USA “MISS FINCH….YOU DIDN’T GO BACK TO SLEEP DID YOU…”

(For the love of…)

Chrissy Finch “I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!!!!”

(I only brought enough cloths for a 5 day trip…we are now on day 7 and I knew this shirt wasn’t clean but oh well, it didn’t smell like smoke and old Japanese men so it would do…and just as I expected he was sitting at the desk in front of the computer just like yesterday and the day before…and the day before that...and the day before that…you catch my drift here right…always the same, in his red, white and blue mask and white hotel fluffy robe that everyone in their uncle wore…probably full commando underneath it but no matter how many times I tried to explain that to him all he would say is how soft it was…I wonder if the Japanese can’t treat crabs as quickly as us Yanks can…guess we will find out won’t we…)

Mr. USA “Miss Finch, perfect…I want you to sit right here and read what I wrote to President Mac…”

(President Mac was the owner and well I guess President of the EWC…the company Mr. USA had a hard on for at the moment and was still waiting to hear back from after submitting an application like he was applying to work the drive through at some fast food place for $8.00 an hour but if it would get me out of this hell hole known as Tokyo, Japan then ‘Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to super size that to Full Blown Diabetes…)

Mr. USA “I think I make a real case to why he should hire myself and Harvey Steel to one of his brands inside the EWC…”

(Jesus…he was like the fat chick begging for a Prom date and promising the world and whatever disgusting sex act they wanted to get the yes…it was always the butt…they had to know this right…)

Mr. USA “Here, sit down and read…”

Chrissy Finch “Fine…just don’t be all reading over my shoulder this time…I hate when you do that and get ahead of me…”

Mr. USA “I’ll go sit over there…”

(He walked over to the couch and took a seat and smiled like a idiot…he was pleased with this one I could tell…and truthfully it couldn’t be any worse than the last few of these he sent out…right…)

Dear Mr. President Mac sir….

Hello, it’s Mr. USA here, we talked a few days ago when I enquired if you were in need of tag teams in your upstanding company know as EWC…and what a fine company it is Mr. President Sir. Now I know you are a busy man and I see you have a pay per view on your horizon so I will get right to my point, you need to hire us Mr. President Sir, we would be an outstanding addition to your roster and would promise to bring excitement and fun to your already star studded roster of superstars and mid card bathroom break, excuses to go get food and new t-shirts “hard working” guys and to be honest with you Mr. President Mac sir…we are running out of options here. See our old company, the ESW: Extreme Suicidal Wrestling failed to deliver a show and was tossed off it’s network, which I can’t say I was sorry about because everyone there wanted to gut me with a barbwire bat or stick a chair somewhere very unpleasant…now you may be asking yourself, ‘on your application you said besides the ESW Tag Team titles you also said you held the NWF and MCW Tag Team titles, why not go work for one of those companies’ and I would say that is an outstanding question Mr. President Sir, see the NWF was sort of beat at a ppv a few months ago, no my fault really, see my duck, oh yeah I had a pet duck that came down to the ring with me from time to time, it was really to make fun of our ‘World Champion’ who was ducking me…get it…ducking/duck…anyways the duck came to the ring and I told it to get into the ring and jump or fly off the top rope and help me Spike Piledrive this one opponent and in so doing it got superkicked in the beak and I ran out of the cage to help it seek medical attention…

Chrissy Finch “You may want to not disclose that you had a duck running around with you sir…”

Mr. USA “Why…it was super funny and really got under the skin of Michael Riser…”

Chrissy Finch “Yeah but you kind of had to be there to really get the whole Michael The Duck thing…best really to admit that from this letter….”

(I quickly hit the back arrow…this Mac guy would have certainly put our application into the shredder if he ever heard about The Duck….so….backspace….yeah here we go….)

NWF was sort of beat at a ppv a few months ago, no my fault really…but the NWF was absorbed by the ESW and is no longer it’s own entity and as for the MCW…well truth be told we are what the locals say : persona non grata with that company, see the owner, Miguel Chavez sort of hates us for suckering his champions out of these belts and there was the little thing about me calling INS and ICE on him, Diego Martinez and AzTeca before one of our shows and from what I have been told he’s still really pissed about being detained…well also he got word that I donated money to help Trump build that wall…needless to say he doesn’t want me in his company…

Chrissy Finch “Ok, well see right here…this part about helping build the wall…see sir, this is a controversial topic right now back home and you might want to stay clear of this…here let’s just say….”

and as for the MCW…well given the political uneasiness currently between the US and Mexico we here unable to secure a working visa from the Mexican Government at this time…

Mr. USA “Haha, yeah…no way they let us work there anytime soon…”

Chrissy Finch “No…I don’t see that happening sir…”

So that leaves us here and now and our desire to come work for the EWC. We are both hard working employees and sure Harvey is a bit rough around the edges and might be a HR nightmare…I mean the sexual harassment charges can’t all be true but I promise to keep a close eye on him and make sure he doesn’t punch any small children asking for autographs…

Chrissy Finch “We are just going to delete all this about Harvey and say….”

We are both hard working employees and sure Harvey is a bit on the evil side but looking at your current roster I’m sure he will fit right in and be no trouble at all…

Mr. USA “I’ll make sure to walk between him and the fans for good measure…”

Chrissy Finch “Smart move sir…”

In closing Mr. President Mac Sir I hope you have the time to review our application and that we can come to some sort of terms in the near future about our employment here in the EWC…I truly believe it will be a win-win for all parties involved…

Sincerely Yours
Mr. USA

Mr. USA “So what do you think…perfect letter to your future maybe employer right?”

Chrissy Finch “Yes sir…well thought out and crafted on your part sir…he would be a fool not to hire you on the spot…”

(God we are never going to get out of this country are we…)