Post by Katie Keller on Dec 26, 2018 22:17:20 GMT -6
What's left to say? These prayers ain't working anymore, every word shot down in flames… What's left to do with these broken pieces on the floor? I'm losing my voice calling on you…
It isn’t where you’d traditionally expect to find a young and cute late 20s Californian girl having a picnic, but nonetheless Katherine is sitting on a plaid flannel blanket, a half empty Jamba juice cup in her hand and an open bag of cheese crisps in her lap.
“I miss you Dad.”
Katie sighs to herself. This is the first time she’s been back to Carson’s burial plot since the funeral, and it’s no easier now than it was the first time.
At least this time, nobody was there to see her ugly cry if it got to that point again.
“There’s so much I wish you would’ve been here to see. I mean, there was plenty not worth seeing… but I dunno. Part of me wonders where I’d be right now if you were still here. I’ve gotten a lot better, personally, I guess. I’m not having to medicate so often with my anxiety, I’ve actually met my neighbors? That’s so pedestrian…”
She laughs a little, the little things like meeting your neighbors seemed odd when you’re so accustomed to living out of a suitcase and traveling the world competing in the ring. If they wanted to see you, they’d usually have to tune in on TV somewhere instead of waving when you checked the mailbox.
“They were really nice… they even checked in on me when I was stuck at home after everything… happened. And they didn’t sell me out to the tabloids, which was probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”
Katie sighs, tracing a finger over the floral engraving around the edge of the headstone.
“I hope you weren’t disappointed in me… I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t cope. It was a pretty bad time, and then mom had the audacity to try and convince me at the funeral that you’d brought it all on yourself. Like, for fucks sake I know you did it to yourself, but to pull that card at a funeral? When I’m like, actively, literally grieving over your casket? The most non-Moss thing she’s ever done. I can’t even bring myself to look at her anymore. I think she lives out here now, maybe you’ve seen her more recently than I have. I doubt it though. Sometimes I think she only pretended to be nice to you around me, and the minute she didn’t have to anymore, the veil dropped.”
She huffs angrily, taking a sip from her drink in an effort to temper down her anger.
“I’m sorry…. I just… ever since you left, I’ve been ridiculously alone. You’re gone… I don’t see mom anymore… everyone is so busy with their own lives, I sort of just faded into the background. I don’t even see Zoey anymore.”
Fuck that name hurts…
“It isn’t your fault though, please don’t think I’m mad at you. I’m not.. I promise. I’ve had to do a lot of growing up in a really short time. I went from always having one of you around, to not having either one of you. It was a rough transition, but I’m doing good now. Everything seems almost normal. I’ve gotten back into the gym with Val, I’ve gotten concerned phone calls from my credit card company because I’ve been to too many coffee shops in too short a time frame, hell I had yet another failed relationship with somebody signing my paychecks…”
She laughs, wiping the corner of her eye that’s threatened to spill out.
“I tried out a couple places to compete… I think I’ve finally found a home in Boston, but this gig in California might turn a few heads. Who knows. Oh!”
Katie sits up a bit taller, almost beaming with pride.
“You won’t believe it… but I finally did it. I actually put somebody away with the CK One. Like… full on, perfect execution. I had to get a copy of the video from the production crew for Breaking Point, because I couldn’t believe it when it happened. You’d have been so proud of me, I looked like I belonged up there.”
Her face softens and she leans against the cold granite like a little girl should lean against their daddy.
“I wish you would’ve seen it... “
She swipes the back of her hand across her eyes, leaving a faint black streak across her cheek from her poor decision to wear non-waterproof mascara.
“I used to think that I’d never get over breaking up with Lacey, or letting go of Rob… but they were nothing compared to losing you. I mean, I loved them and all.. But you were my dad. You are my dad. I’d give anything to get a couple extra years with you… instead, I got to celebrate Christmas alone with a bottle of wine, and I’ll be at Lacey’s place for New Years where I’ll probably make yet another bad decision.”
She chuckles to herself, not entirely convinced that she won’t in fact make that bad decision, or if at this point it’s really as bad a decision as it could be.
“You always did say us Kellers weren’t the smartest when women were involved. Betcha didn’t think I’d be playing this song again, did you?”
She scoffs, nudging the headstone playfully.
“I can feel you rolling over down there.”
The skies light up in an array of crimson and orange, the sun threateningly low in the sky. She sighs, staring off westward before rolling up the half-eaten bag of crisps.
“I’m gonna get evicted soon, I think. Just like every other time we’d try to spend time together, something would call us away. Always another gig to show up for, another match to prep for, something… now you’ve got nothing but time, and I’m getting axed by the literal cryptkeeper over here. I feel like I’m always going to be telling you I wish I had more time..”
The words croak out of her throat, almost choked back as she squeezes her eyes shut tight. It takes her a couple moments to get herself back to ‘normal’, at least as best she can be, before she stands up and folds the plaid blanket up to stuff into her backpack.
“I’ll be in Los Angeles for a couple more days, then I’m flying straight to Boston to shoot a promotional bit for After Shock, then back to Miami for New Years. I don’t know when I’ll be back to LA.. but I promise I’ll visit more often. If this gig here works out, I might be out more often on someone elses’ dime even. I know how much you’d give me shit for spending my own money on travel.”
She looks back down at the empty space where her blanket once stretched out and kneels down, ruffling up the grass to look less disturbed. With a sigh, she leans forward and rests her forehead against the stone.
“I love you daddy.”
Kate pulls out a small flower assortment from the side of her backpack, placing it gently in front of the headstone, along with a tiny fun sized Kit Kat. It takes her a moment before finally standing back to her feet, looking from the half opened gate to the cemetery and the (likely) frustrated caretaker back to the headstone.
“Keep watching me. I promise I’ll make you proud every night.”
With that, she adjusts the backpack over her one shoulder before heading out toward the entry gate, her normally brisk pace now slow and trudging. She doesn’t want to leave, but she must. That’s what growing up is all about.
Right?
'Cause I've been shaking, I've been bending backwards till I'm broke… watching all these dreams go up in smoke… Let beauty come out of ashes