The 2020 Sharpie Awards!

[JFS]

Coming to you LIVE from some kind of studio he rented out for 400 bucks, we give to you the greatest awards show that's airing tonight! It is the second annual Sharpie awards, honouring ALL of the things from 2020 that we thought we could write a few funny lines of dialogue about! YOU asked for it (didn't you?) and we delivered! STRAP yourselves in for ....

Now, put your paws together for our host! The one! The only! HUGH JACKMAN JORDAN! FREAKING! SHARPE! 

We open up to a beautiful studio set with a high end podium (possibly stolen from the US Capitol Building) with several large video screens behind it. Jordan Sharpe stands at the podium in an obviously very expensive suit as he gives everyone a cheeky wave.

“Ohh yeah, we got an upgrade this year! Welcome everyone to the SECOND ANNUAL SHARPIE AWARDS! Boy, we have some fantastic hardware to give out tonight but before we do that, let me introduce my fabulous co-host, the one and only Carley California!” 

Carley comes out to thunderous piped-in applause as she comes up to the podium to stand beside Jordan.

“Why, thanks for having me Jordan!”

“Why, that’s no problem Carley because of course you threatened to crush my testicles if I did not let you do this with me.”

She elbows him in the ribs as he clears his throat.

“Ahem. Ouch. Well. Let’s get to the awards before I do anything else stupid! This first one is very dear to my heart. Because this one is a screw up of mine that needs to be righted in 2021. Our first award is the ‘Superstar who should be one half of the tag-team champions right now if not for the cheating ass Southern Express' .. Award.”

“Say that three times fast, Jordan.”

He starts to but she shushes him.

“And our first Sharpie of the night goes to … Faith Rivers !"

“This next one is a good one. We are talking about something VERY prestigious. This is the inaugural, first-ever, EWC Glitter Superstar of the Year. No idea why this brand was ignored by EWC Honours, but it was an amazing first year and one hoe stood above .. or underneath .. I’m not sure what’s going on over there .. the rest. The EWC Glitter Superstar of the Year is Queen Melody !!"

“This next award was a hard contested one. This award was fought over by many EWC Superstars throughout the season, but in the end there could only be one winner. I know a lot of people are going to be upset, but there’s always next year. This Award is the ‘Most Likely to fit inside a Volkswagen Glove Box.’ It takes years of dedication and practice, but if you’re small enough you can fit right in there. And this award goes to ….. Jamie Love !!

“On the other hand, in honour of a superstar that’s passed away, we’re gonna name this award after him. So I guess you can call this one the 'Xplode Award for Top Superstar That’s A Member of Xplodes’ Family' … and this Sharpie goes to ….. Jason Anderson The Boss !!"

“Fucking Xplode, always has to go over. Even in death.”

“Wow, I can’t believe this next one. I didn’t think it was going to make the list but here we are. There are a lot of excellent dongs in the EWC. Practically the whole roster is hanging dong. But only one dong can reign supreme, and when you think of a World War packed with dongs in 2020, there’s only one that stands upright, erect on it’s own, towering above all others. The 2020 Award for ‘Gratuitous Dong of Excellence’ goes to …. Dio !"

“Our next award is a strange one. Something just isn’t right sometimes, and you CANNOT put your finger on it! New tights? A nose job? Boob job? Maybe they’ve done their hair differently. But whatever it is, they’ve done something and that’s why we have the ‘Didn’t This Bitch Look Different Last Week?’ Award. And the winner is …… Callie Clark !"

But the video screens are interrupted with static as Callie Clark appears on them! 

“Now what in the fuck is this shit? Can’t I just run my awards show in peace!?”

Callie is shown on the monitor, sitting in a chair on the beach somewhere as she holds up her phone.

“I'm glad someone around here appreciates me enough to give me an award, even if it's not the actual EWC awards...or as important. But you get points for paying attention to me Sharpe, everyone could learn from your example.”

She winks to the camera.

“But let's talk about this award, ‘hey didn't that bitch look different last week?’ award, first off, neither of you are funny. Second, yes I changed up my look part way through the season, but I look fantastic and better than ever now, much better than you Carley Smurf.”

Callie smirks and continues as Carley mouths ‘what the fuck?’

“Anyway as you can see I'm enjoying my time off between seasons out here on a private beach in Cancun that I rented out just to get away and recharge, something neither of you can do with those Prime salaries, so if you'll excuse me I have a vacation to continue to enjoy, I'll be sure to find a nice spot for this award as a paperweight somewhere. Byeee!”

The screens turn off and Carley looks very annoyed as Jordan puts his arm around her.

"Relax, baby! That’s probably not even a real island it’s probably her zoom background! Why don’t we get to the next award smur--- Car!”

He awkwardly wipes his brow and gulps.

“Now some superstars in EWC are just the friendliest, most positive people you’ll ever meet! Always greeting you with a smile and a helping hand. They truly are the people that make this business great. Which is why our next Sharpie is the ‘Sunniest Personality’ award presented by Sunny D.”

“Wow, we got someone to put some money into this. That’s fantastic.” 

“I know, right? And the Sharpie goes to …… NEVAEH ? What?”

Jordan grabs the envelope and shrugs.

“Look, I don’t know what happened but just go with it.”

“Sometimes you read the EWC Honours nominations, and you just think to yourself, how in the hell did this person not get a single one. They’ve had a great season! Consistent. Strong. A Champion. And so when we looked at the 2020 ‘How in the hell did this superstar not get an EWC Honours nomination?’ Category, it was clear there was only one choice ... Robbie Rayder !!"

“Superstars come and go in the EWC. That’s the way of the business. But there’s no reason to get down about it! That’s just life! Some of them though, you’re happy they’re gone. Some of them are dickheads. Some of them are annoying when you’re trying to enjoy the fourth of July at the lake. Some of them win the ‘Don’t Come Back’ Sharpie Award and add themselves to our very own hall of LAME … Some people like Dominic Sanders !!"

“HAHA! Even Sanders got an award nobody can say I’m not generous. Now the next one is just something I was pretty fucking impressed with. And that is the ‘I Watched him eat everything in catering’ Award. There had to be at least five tables of food at the Rumble and this man demolished everything in sight. It was incredible. Of course, you know who it is ….. What the hell?”

Grizzly Duggan walks out onto Sharpe’s closed set with a huge bucket of chicken. Like a bucket that a person should not even be able to buy. 

“Grizz … how in the hell did you even get in here?”

“Smelled food, brother. Closed set ain’t gonna stop me.”

“Well, okay … Uhh well you’ve won a Sharpie Award!”

“That’s great. Man, I’m thirsty.”

He sets the bucket of chicken down and pulls a can of soup out of his back pocket which he promptly opens with the sheer power of his bare hands as he gulps it down. He flexes like a gargantuan popeye after wiping his mouth and goes back for more chicken.

“Thanks Jordy.”

Grizzly pats him on the shoulder which all but knocks Jordan over as the Rampage GM wanders off.

“We really need better security or something. Physical and digital ..... Grizzly Duggan EVERYONE!"

“For the next one, we are talking about something that directly relates to social media. Social media is a huge presence in today’s society and something that allows us to interact with fans all over the world! It’s awesome! It also allows certain people to post mirror selfies, so here I present, so my girlfriend no longer accuses me of anything, the ‘Best Superstar who I definitely never hid in her closet while she took mirror selfies’ Award! And the Sharpie goes to …. Gabrielle Visconty !!"

Carley looks visibly annoyed at Jordan.

“Anyway. There were a lot of Red Headed Superstars that returned to the ring at WrestleFest. This was a packed category that could have gone any way. When you make a return in this business from a hiatus, it’s hard to get back to your winning ways. But also having red hair? Phew. That is something else. So the winner of the ‘Best Red Headed Superstar that returned at WrestleFest goes to … Emma Louise !!"

“And this is the big one. The final award of the evening.”

Saidie comes stomping over from off-camera.

“Last one?? Why didn’t I get an award?! Everyone else got one!! This is bullcrap!!”

“Listen young lady I heard the language you used on your twitch stream the other night and you’re still grounded I ain’t giving you a damn award for anything.”

“You can’t ground me, I’m a grown woman!!”

“GET OFF THE SHOW!”

Saidie flips Jordan the middle finger as Carley starts laughing and he tries to regain his professional composure.

“I had a lot of great opponents in 2020. I got to test myself against the best that EWC has to offer. And those opponents helped get me not only the EWC Undisputed Championship for a hot minute, but to also be named number ONE on the EWC Top 100. But out of every match I had, I can only have one favourite opponent of 2020. And the winner of that award was easy. The Sharpie goes to …. _.Candy._ !!"

“Thank you everyone for watching the 2nd Annual Sharpie Awards! Congrats to all the winners! Make sure you tune into the EWC Honours, tomorrow night for real awards that people are actually excited about! I'm Carley California, for Jordan Sharpe and for Saidie who unfortunately did not receive an award, we wish you all goodnight! We'll see you next year!"

“GOODNIGHT ALL YOU AWESOME PEOPLE!”