002: Long Drive To Long Beach, Part Two

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Team Davey proudly presents...

002: Long Drive To Long Beach, Part Two: Not That Kind of Bathroom Break

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Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021 (Afternoon)

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Two days into their cross-country trip, the Dunham family is almost a third of the way to their destination. It's been smooth travels thus far, which means Davey's about two days overdue for another slap in the face. Figuratively speaking, of course. That is, if he doesn't talk. You see, once a month the Dunham ladies join forces in what can only be described as a blood-flood. A tsunami of hormonal outbursts and unpredictable cattiness. Our poor dear protagonist forgot his two companions' anger chips got turned on roundabout this time of the month... and he certainly would've planned better had he remembered. The Dunham RV is big enough to comfortably house three full-sized persons, but not when two of them are bloated and temperamental. May God have mercy on his soul, this trip's about to get longer. And a lot more hostile if he's not careful.

"It's not that kind of bathroom break, dad."

"What do you mean? I'm confused," Davey replies, briefly taking his eyes off the road to look up at Elizabeth standing in the doorway. They'd just gotten back on the highway after eating lunch at a Taco Bell.

"You know what I'm talking about. Don't make me say it; I know you don't like hearing it."

"Still confused, honey. The tacos can't already be coming through. Sure, they've been known to cause some disturbances, but still. Already? What's going on?"

"What's going on--more specifically, what just started--is what I wouldn't have if, say, I'd been born a dude."

"Huh?"

"We're on our periods, Dave! Come on, try to keep up," Haley calls out from somewhere near the back. Cupboard doors being opened and shut.

"Oh! Oh, jeez! Why didn't you say something when we were stopped?"

"Because I thought I packed tampons, but I guess not. I only have the one I--"

"Pleeease don't finish that sentence, baby girl."

"I was going to say, 'the one I always keep in my purse.' Damn, dad, what did you think I was gonna say?"

"I obviously have no clue, pumpkin."

"Obviously," Elizabeth rolls her eyes and disappears behind the curtain. Soon Haley pokes her head through, nearly giving Davey a heart attack, as well as a brief trip through the guardrail and down a steep embankment.

"Holy Mother of--!"

"Dave, quit (expletive)ing off for a minute, pull over, and help us look for the damn things. I know for a fact I stored some in here."

"Right now?! We're on the interstate! Can't you wait a few more--"

"A few more what, Dave? Seconds, while you think about what you're going to say next?"

"Yes, dear. Pulling over now."

"Good idea."

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A Few Minutes Later

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"I feel like we're on a scavenger hunt," Davey tries to lighten the mood as they search high and low for that elusive box of Tampax.

"Keep looking!" Haley and Elizabeth say, in unison. They sync up in more ways than one, Davey muses, trying to keep himself calm. Like a man on his way to the gallows.

"I'm looking. But seriously, you ladies always carry an extra in your purses, right? Why not carry extra extras?"

And just like that he falls through the hatch, the noose tight around his neck.

"Okay, well, I don't think we're gonna find any in here, so I'm just gonna start driving again and get us to a store."

"Hurry, dad. These are my favorite pair of jeans."

It takes Davey a moment to absorb (no pun intended) what she means by that, but then it sinks in and he quickly heads toward the cab and practically chokeslams the RV into gear, narrowly avoiding passing traffic as he whips back out onto the road.

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One Hour Later

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"All set, ladies? Did daddy do good?"

A case of tampons, a year's worth of comfort food, several new pairs of sweatpants, and an assortment of women's magazines clutter the dining area. Davey had pulled out all the stops and he was quite pleased with himself. He stands before them, a smile of achievement on his face.

"Sorry I bit your head off, Dave. You know I can't help it sometimes," Haley says, nibbling on a piece of chocolate. Her and Elizabeth are seated at the table picking through their recent acquisitions.

"No harm, no foul."

"I know I had some in here. Where the heck did they go?"

"We may never know."

"At least now we know I'm not pregnant, right? When I didn't get my period last month, I thought for sure--"

"Mom! That's disgusting!"

"What is? You have periods, too."

"No, I'm talking about you and daddy having... marital relations. Old people should NOT be having... those. Y'all might break something."

"One time your father and I broke a bed frame, two lamps, and almost fell out our bedroom window--"

"Okay, eww. But I was talking about a hip, or your tailbone, or--"

"Or... in your mother's case, an orbital bone," Davey winks at Haley.  She giggles.

"Gross! Nananananana, I can't hear you!" Elizabeth sticks two fingers in her ears and tries desperately not to hear her perverted parents.

"We totally destroyed those bed sheets. Remember that, Dave?" Haley raises her voice to make sure Elizabeth suffers.

"Yeah, they certainly didn't see that coming," Davey laughs.

"Ewww! Sex puns! Noooo!"

"Then, eight-and-a-half months later, you were born, angel."

"Which goes to prove our little girl's always been in a hurry to grow up."

"I seriously wish she'd stop doing that," Davey sighs.

"Why are you guys still talking?! Don't we have somewhere we need to go?"

Haley and Davey smile at each other as Elizabeth pretends she's going to throw up.

"She's right. Besides, we've spent too much time in these Wal-Mart parking lots already. Time to get on the road again."

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To Be Continued

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