Post by Jaxon Friar on Jan 18, 2016 0:37:12 GMT -6
The following RP is rated MA. It has strong language, violence, and drugs/alcohol. In no way does it represent the views of the EWC, FSW, or any other affiliates. Read at your own risk. The following characters are featured.
Admit that you are powerless. Your life has become unimaginable.
Like a new song you’re trying to learn, I’ve been stuck on repeat. It’s a never-ending cycle. I’ve tried to get a grip on reality, but my hands must be covered in butter. The more that I reach and grab, the more that it seems to slip right through my fingers. How did I get here? What the hell happened? I need answers. I need a moral compass. I need a refuge. I just need to understand what fucking day it is. Most people usually seek out their friends in a time of crisis, but what is one to do when there is absolutely no one there for you? My only friends for the last ten years have been Jack and Jim. Though, I’m not so sure that they’re really there for me now. Like a crab with a new shell, they’re using my body as a vessel. I know what it’s like to be Jack and Jim though. I, to, have been used and abused.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012 – Birmingham, Alabama
The thunder clapped and shook the house. I felt the tremor all the way through my body. It was startling to say the least. I raised up and looked around, squinting my eyes, trying to see the time. Hell, it was raining outside, but if felt more like the thunderstorm was localized to inside my head. It was pounding and splitting. 12:00. Shit, I’ve wasted half of day. It’s not like I had anything to do anyways. I stood up to walk to the bathroom only to find myself stuck in a cyclonic pattern. I couldn’t tell if it was me or the room that was spinning out of control. Though, I’m sure it was a little of both. I tried to fight the feeling. I needed to just walk to the bathroom. What the hell was going on? I took in a deep breath and braced myself. I was going to do this. I took another step and the next thing I knew I was landing over a coffee table and into a wall. Well, there went another hole in the drywall.
Jaxon: “Damnit!”
I sat there for a few minutes trying to gather my bearings. This gave me the opportunity to look around my house. Holy shit! My house looked like a fucking war zone. There were holes in every wall. There was trash all over the floor. Empty Jack Daniels and Jim Beam bottles were scattered throughout living room into the kitchen. I took in a deep breath. What is that smell? Is that cigarette smoke? Vomit? Piss? A combination of all three? Whatever it was, it brought tears to my eyes. I made it to my knees as a piece of the coffee table fell off my back. I rubbed the back of my head causing drywall dust to fall out of my hair.
Voice: “Psalm 95:6: Come, let us worship and bow down, Let us kneel before our Lord our Maker!”
Jaxon: “Shut up!”
Voice: “Isaiah 45:23: I have sworn by Myself, The word has gone forth from My mouth in righteousness And will not turn back, That to Me every knee will bow, every tongue will swear allegiance.”
Jaxon: “Stop!!!”
Voice: “Romans 14:11: For it is written, AS I LIVE, SAYS THE LORD, EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW TO ME, AND EVERY TONGUE SHALL GIVE PRAISE TO GOD!”
I shook my head trying to silence the voice in my head.
Jaxon: “I said stop!”
The more I tried to silence the voice, the louder it got.
Voice: “Psalm 22:29: All the prosperous of the earth will eat and worship, All those who go down to the dust will bow before Him, Even he who cannot keep his soul alive.”
I grabbed my hair with both hands and began to pull as I closed my eyes and looked up to scream.
Jaxon: “STOP!!!!”
Present Day – Atlanta, Georgia
Female Voice: “Jaxon! Jaxon! Hey!”
Somehow I seemed to snap out of it. I looked up and I was back home. I was back in Atlanta. Back in the offices of Dr. Leslie Chen. Dr. Chen was the psychiatrist I have been seeing for the last couple of years.
Jaxon: “What the hell happened?”
She was sitting in her chair, legs crossed over each other all prim and proper, with her black pad resting on her knee. She reached up and pushed her thin glasses up off the bridge of her nose.
Dr. Chen: “You spaced out again. You were spitting off those bible verses again.”
Shit. Still no progress.
Jaxon: “The same ones?”
Dr. Chen looked down at her notes, scanning the pages for a few seconds.
Dr. Chen: “Psalm 95:6, Isaiah 45:23, Romans 14:11 and Psalm 22:29.”
I just dropped my head. These were a few of the verses that always seemed to haunt me. They’re one of the reasons I started coming to visit Dr. Chen.
Dr. Chen: “Hey, listen. Don’t look like that. You’re going to make it through this Jaxon. It’s going to take time.”
That was one of her favorite little sayings. It’s going to take time. Just hearing that damn phrase got my blood to boiling.
Jaxon: “Time! I don’t have all the time in the fucking world!”
It didn’t even bother her anymore. She was used to it. I’ve said stuff to make a grown man cry. Stuff to make a sailor blush. Yet, she sat there and just looked at me through her glasses. She just stared at me like she was trying to see right through me.
Dr. Chen: “Are you done?”
Probably not…
Jaxon: “Does it matter?”
She shook her head in a no motion.
Dr. Chen: “No, not really. Whether you want to believe it or not, you’re actually making progress Jaxon. You’ve come a long way since we’ve started these sessions. You can make it through this but it’s not going to be an overnight process. You’re going to have to have some patience. Look back in your journal. Look at page one.”
I took my journal off the table and looked at the very first page. It was a mess. My heart wasn’t in it. Hell, I don’t know if my mind was either. The scribbling … the ‘doodles’ as she called them. What did she call them? Ah yes, a ‘manifestation of my feelings.’ More of that psycho mumble jumble.
Dr. Chen: “Do you see all of that? Just look at how far you’ve come since then!”
Things were a little better now but we’ve got a long way to go.
Jaxon: “Those were some different times Doc.”
The more I looked at the page, the more it took me back to where I call a ‘breaking point.’
Wednesday, March 14, 2012 – Birmingham, Alabama
Voice: “Get up off your knees boy!”
There it was again.
Jaxon: “Do What?”
Voice: “Did I fucking stutter? I said get up off your knees. Are you one of them kind now?”
I looked around the room to see if there was anyone there.
Jaxon: “One of who?”
Voice: “Boy, you are some kind of stupid aren’t ya? One of them queers! Ain’t no man gonna get down on his knees unless he’s trying to suck some dick. So I’m gonna tell you again. Get up off your knees … NOW!”
It was then that I felt the most excruciating pain in my entire life. It was like the whole inside of body was on fire and was being squeezed by a vise. What the hell was going on? I fell forward landing face first on the carpet.
Voice: “Look at you! You’re pathetic!”
I felt the tears start to stream down my face. The voice just kept getting louder as my every inch of my body felt like it was burning alive.
Voice: “Are you fucking crying? Boy, you’re Momma sure would be proud of your little sissy ass right now. Do you need a tampon? Some Midol?”
The louder the voice got, the more my body seemed to hurt. I looked over towards a picture hanging on the wall. It was a picture of my mother holding me the day that I was born. She seemed so happy then. Her face was glowing like a beauty queen. I closed my eyes as I felt another tear fall.
Jaxon: “I’m sorry Momma…”
To be continued…
