Post by Gabrielle Visconty on Dec 27, 2019 10:30:46 GMT -6
12/25/19
The Setai, Penthouse Suite
3:37 am
Sleep comes troubled. Not just with the constant battle to try to stay comfortable, but with the nightmares that now follow. Waking from these is always sudden and violent - My ribs love it... The Doctors tell me I have PTSD from the crash. Good thing they told me, I'd never have guessed it from the mostly sleepless nights I've had the last few nights. Yeah, that was sarcasm.
The room is dark and only lit by the moon in the Miami night sky. It's luxurious, over the top so, to the point of making me nauseous. Renting this place at The Setai was supposed to help me detach and relax – it hasn't. But there is enough room here for myself, my dad – when he is released, nursing staff and guests... I'm lying here in this king size bed that probably costs enough to keep a family of 4 fed for a month, 'lucky' to still be alive. I don't feel lucky. I am cold. I am sore. I am confused. I am sad. I start crying at random times. I can't sleep. I am scared - but I am fucking 'lucky'?
The male hospice nurse I hired is an Adonis... except he knows he is gorgeous. That just makes him all the more ugly to me now. He does take fantastic care of me, he damn well should for what I am paying him, and doesn't bother me unless it is time for medication, bandage changes, or I page him. Yeah, he's staying in one of the rooms in the penthouse. I don't even remember his name, I just call him Adonis. He knows who I am – asked about Scorpio. Oh well, I am sure I look like death warmed over anyway.
I'm hiding - I can't call it anything else but that. There are six people in the word that know where I am right now, hopefully seven once dad wakes up. My grandparents, my Aunt Amy, my nurse, my therapist, and the person snoring like purring cat right next to me. My own kijo. Izumi flew in shortly after I was released from the hospital and hasn't let me be alone for one minute since. I hate her for that but I need the unwanted attention right now. Because right now I don't really know what I want, honestly. I can't think straight, which they are telling me is the result of the PTSD, and I just want to stay off the radar for a bit. I don't need questions. I don't want to think on it.
The purring suddenly stops and is followed by muffled coughing, pulling me back out of my own thought. Even in the dim light I can see she is looking to see if I am awake. Her dark eyes searching my face. I thumb my phone and bathe us in the pale light emitted from it. She smiles stupidly at me and I want to poke her in both eyes with my thumbs.
”Did I wake you? Was I snoring?”
Her English is marred by her thick Japanese accent. I really missed her.
”No. I was awake long before your chainsaw snoring started.”
Her expression almost makes me chuckle.
”Really, was I snoring that loud?”
”No.”
Izumi 'humphs' before slipping out of the bed to pad noisily across the wooden floor towards the bathroom in her over sized shirt and sweat pants. She shuts the door mostly before turning on the light, but it is still bright. I take this moment to painfully slide my legs off the side of the bed and sit up – not a good plan. My world spins and my focus goes, everything blurs.
“fuck...”
I growl to myself quietly as I sit as still as I can, hoping it passes quickly. She is humming a tune I immediately recognize as 'Whistle' by Blackpink. Why do I remember that? My head clears enough and I attempt to stand on my own, the first time in a while. I would have to say I feel like I am 2 years old. My legs shake for a few seconds and then it all comes back, muscle memory takes over. I must look like Frankenstein as I shamble around the bed and out of the room. The pain is there, I am not even going to lie about it, forcing bruised muscle to move after it has been dormant for a while isn't fun. I'm headed to the terrace. I need some fresh air and to see the stars. Then the proverbial wrench is tossed into the system – stairs. I didn't think about the stairs... I get three agonizing steps down before I hear her yell from behind me.
“Gabi!”
There is a wave of thoughts and emotions that wash over me. Hard to explain it, but in that fleeting moment I want to dash across the terrace and dive over the side. I want to lay down on the floor and stare at the stars in night sky. I want more painkillers. I want to yell 'shut the fuck up'. I want to get drunk as fuck. I want to hold my mom – just once more. So I do nothing. I just stand there like an idiot as she comes dashing up behind me. She says something but it doesn't register, she sounds a million miles away; and I really don't care. Her hands land on my shoulders like feathers, so scared she'll hurt me.
“Tenshi.”
She whispers from behind me. The word hurts, but it works. I turn and look at her and she starts crying. Why is she crying? She goes to hug me, cautious and unsure if she can without hurting me. I wrap my arms around her and hug her tightly. My chest feels like its on fire and my ribs explode in pain. I'm not letting go. I need this. The pain – it's perfect – overwhelming.
“Not so tight, you'll hurt yourself.”
Her voice tinges on panic. I can't recall what happened next, I can only tell you what Izumi told me later. I picked her up and walked down the last two steps crying, then passed out; dragging us both to the floor of the terrace. She told me the look on my face was peaceful. I think I am going crazy. I'm lying in bed with my nurse checking my side over. Adonis reassures me that I haven't injured my ribs or stitches, but Izumi is scared. I agree – I am scared too. I am sure this will get passed along to my therapist - One more thing to talk about.
But I'm lucky.
12/27/19
The Setai, Penthouse Suite
6:54 am
The Setai, Penthouse Suite
3:37 am
Sleep comes troubled. Not just with the constant battle to try to stay comfortable, but with the nightmares that now follow. Waking from these is always sudden and violent - My ribs love it... The Doctors tell me I have PTSD from the crash. Good thing they told me, I'd never have guessed it from the mostly sleepless nights I've had the last few nights. Yeah, that was sarcasm.
The room is dark and only lit by the moon in the Miami night sky. It's luxurious, over the top so, to the point of making me nauseous. Renting this place at The Setai was supposed to help me detach and relax – it hasn't. But there is enough room here for myself, my dad – when he is released, nursing staff and guests... I'm lying here in this king size bed that probably costs enough to keep a family of 4 fed for a month, 'lucky' to still be alive. I don't feel lucky. I am cold. I am sore. I am confused. I am sad. I start crying at random times. I can't sleep. I am scared - but I am fucking 'lucky'?
The male hospice nurse I hired is an Adonis... except he knows he is gorgeous. That just makes him all the more ugly to me now. He does take fantastic care of me, he damn well should for what I am paying him, and doesn't bother me unless it is time for medication, bandage changes, or I page him. Yeah, he's staying in one of the rooms in the penthouse. I don't even remember his name, I just call him Adonis. He knows who I am – asked about Scorpio. Oh well, I am sure I look like death warmed over anyway.
I'm hiding - I can't call it anything else but that. There are six people in the word that know where I am right now, hopefully seven once dad wakes up. My grandparents, my Aunt Amy, my nurse, my therapist, and the person snoring like purring cat right next to me. My own kijo. Izumi flew in shortly after I was released from the hospital and hasn't let me be alone for one minute since. I hate her for that but I need the unwanted attention right now. Because right now I don't really know what I want, honestly. I can't think straight, which they are telling me is the result of the PTSD, and I just want to stay off the radar for a bit. I don't need questions. I don't want to think on it.
The purring suddenly stops and is followed by muffled coughing, pulling me back out of my own thought. Even in the dim light I can see she is looking to see if I am awake. Her dark eyes searching my face. I thumb my phone and bathe us in the pale light emitted from it. She smiles stupidly at me and I want to poke her in both eyes with my thumbs.
”Did I wake you? Was I snoring?”
Her English is marred by her thick Japanese accent. I really missed her.
”No. I was awake long before your chainsaw snoring started.”
Her expression almost makes me chuckle.
”Really, was I snoring that loud?”
”No.”
Izumi 'humphs' before slipping out of the bed to pad noisily across the wooden floor towards the bathroom in her over sized shirt and sweat pants. She shuts the door mostly before turning on the light, but it is still bright. I take this moment to painfully slide my legs off the side of the bed and sit up – not a good plan. My world spins and my focus goes, everything blurs.
“fuck...”
I growl to myself quietly as I sit as still as I can, hoping it passes quickly. She is humming a tune I immediately recognize as 'Whistle' by Blackpink. Why do I remember that? My head clears enough and I attempt to stand on my own, the first time in a while. I would have to say I feel like I am 2 years old. My legs shake for a few seconds and then it all comes back, muscle memory takes over. I must look like Frankenstein as I shamble around the bed and out of the room. The pain is there, I am not even going to lie about it, forcing bruised muscle to move after it has been dormant for a while isn't fun. I'm headed to the terrace. I need some fresh air and to see the stars. Then the proverbial wrench is tossed into the system – stairs. I didn't think about the stairs... I get three agonizing steps down before I hear her yell from behind me.
“Gabi!”
There is a wave of thoughts and emotions that wash over me. Hard to explain it, but in that fleeting moment I want to dash across the terrace and dive over the side. I want to lay down on the floor and stare at the stars in night sky. I want more painkillers. I want to yell 'shut the fuck up'. I want to get drunk as fuck. I want to hold my mom – just once more. So I do nothing. I just stand there like an idiot as she comes dashing up behind me. She says something but it doesn't register, she sounds a million miles away; and I really don't care. Her hands land on my shoulders like feathers, so scared she'll hurt me.
“Tenshi.”
She whispers from behind me. The word hurts, but it works. I turn and look at her and she starts crying. Why is she crying? She goes to hug me, cautious and unsure if she can without hurting me. I wrap my arms around her and hug her tightly. My chest feels like its on fire and my ribs explode in pain. I'm not letting go. I need this. The pain – it's perfect – overwhelming.
“Not so tight, you'll hurt yourself.”
Her voice tinges on panic. I can't recall what happened next, I can only tell you what Izumi told me later. I picked her up and walked down the last two steps crying, then passed out; dragging us both to the floor of the terrace. She told me the look on my face was peaceful. I think I am going crazy. I'm lying in bed with my nurse checking my side over. Adonis reassures me that I haven't injured my ribs or stitches, but Izumi is scared. I agree – I am scared too. I am sure this will get passed along to my therapist - One more thing to talk about.
But I'm lucky.
12/27/19
The Setai, Penthouse Suite
6:54 am
He's gone. My world is shattered. I'm all alone.
broken bruised forgotten sore
"GABI!"
too fucked up to care anymore
Izumi is pounding on the door. I can hear the panic in her voice. She knows... I think I need a bath. I'm so cold.
I will make it go away - can't be here no more
...but I am lucky.
seems this is the only way - I will soon be gone - these feelings will be gone