The 2021 Sharpie Awards!

[JFS]

Coming to you LIVE From the historic Dolby Theatre in Hollywood California, this is the Third Annual Sharpie Awards! Surely the greatest awards show this evening, all the stars have made their way to the 2021 Sharpies Celebration! We’re not gonna show you which ones, but trust us, they’re definitely here! We’ve got all them and a few funny and totally not passive aggressive lines of dialogue for you! Plus plenty more! You asked for it (Why do you keep asking for it?) And we’re here to deliver! It's time! WELCOME TO THE ......

Now, give it up for Carley California, Saidie Sharpe & Jordan Sharpe! 

The crowd goes absolutely insane at the sight of the three most awesome people you know as Carley, Saidie and Jordan take the stage dressed in their Hollywood best.

“Wow, Carley, look at this awesome crowd here tonight for the Sharpie Awards. They know this is the most prestigious awards show in the country and I can’t wait to find out who takes the hardware home tonight.”

“And I cannot wait to hit the after party and not remember the rest of this evening.”

“Shut up Saidie, you’re lucky we allowed you to be apart of this.”

“I’ll cut you right here on this stage, old man.”

Jordan puts on a very fake and forced grin as Carley clears her throat, breaking up their arguing.

“That’s right, Jordan. This is going to be so awesome. But it seems like kinda ‘much’ for the Sharpie Awards, doesn’t it?”

“Pfft, not really. I mean, yeah, we can probably bang this whole thing out in like half an hour I guess.”

“Twenty eight more minutes than you’re used to.”

“What?”

“Hahaha she got you there, Jordy!”

Jordan just sighs as the audience, and probably you, collectively laugh at his shortcomings.

“Why don’t I just read the first award? This opening monologue is going so well ..."

“For the love of god, please do.”

“Alllllllrighty, first off we have an Award that was very hard to choose. The Academy of Sharpie Sciences was in a fierce debate, but at the end of the day there was really only one choice. And for their contributions to EWC this past season we HAD to give the ‘Best Wrestler Named El Pablo’ Sharpie Award to ……  Gabrielle Visconty !!"

“This next one could actually be described as the Soundtrack of the Season, I heard it's the most downloaded album on Spotify in 2021, actually. It’s an award we like to call ‘Best Soundtrack to Burn Your Thighs Off To’ and let me tell you, we tried to get Dio here to present this one but he probably couldn’t hear the phone trapped between hers …… it’s Soul Love by Swango !"

“Next one is my turn? Okay awesome. This one I picked out myself. Because there was one superstar in 2021 who was the most disgusting, chauvinistic, quite frankly gross person to interact with. You know him, he’s stuck in the 80’s with his awful hair and pick-up lines. I dropped him on his ass and he made every girl cringe at the mere sight of his words on their timeline. I’m talking about the winner of the ‘Most Disgusting On Fighter Talk’ award for 2021 …. Kiss my not flat ass, Rotten Mark Keaton "

“Alright you need to calm down, you’re outta control. Anyways, the working title for this next award was the incest award but some place in Alabama already has it copyrighted. So I guess when it comes to ‘Loving’ your family, nobody does it better than the Love Club so that’s why we have our ‘Most Likely To Try and Fuck His Sister Award’ and that goes to that little shit, Jamie Love ! CONGRATS!”

“But not every award here on The Sharpies has to be hurtful and sarcastic. Sometimes, we just wanna give a trophy to our friends. So when we were thinking up some of the awards we wanted to hand out, we thought of some people we hadn’t seen in a while. So we came up with our ‘Come Back Soon Award’ to our friend that’s currently healing up some injuries and is planning to return in 2022, we’re talking about Robbie Rayder !”

“Ohh boy it's my turn again. Okay. You’re right, Carley, that sometimes we just have to make some of these awards something really special. So when our Sharpie team looked at the ‘Best Mentor & All Around Buddy Award’ they knew that the winner was obvious. I wouldn’t be where I am in my career today without her. I'm so happy to see her back in the ring and kicking ass again and I can't stop talking about how awesome she is …. Faith Rivers !"

“Nice, my tag-team partner gets an award! Alright, now, I will tell you, I’ve seen a lot of BRAZZERS scenes in my lifetime. I mean, a lot. Like too many. A lot of them have some really bad acting, but not quite as bad as these people. And before Carley punches me right now, I would like to present this, the absolute ‘Worst Brazzers Scene We’ve Ever Seen Award’ to none other than Gideon Gage , Eddie Dozier , Tyler Bradford and poor, poor, Callie Clark . Some rough nights for her. Together they are SABOTAGE!”

“Disgusting. Our next award is something that very few specialize in, but when they do, they do it well. I’m talking about a certain type of promo. Movie parodies. Masters of the silver screen, if you will."

“Ohh I’ve got this one IN THE BAG! Finally I'm gonna win one of these things!"

“A few standout promos used ideas from films and television this year, but one really caught our eye here on The Sharpies, and so for that reason the ‘Best Movie Parody Award’ has to go to … NEVAEH !”

“WHAT?!?!”

“Hahaha! That is perfect. Okay, for the next one there were a lot of big names considered, but this is the ‘Almost As Good As Saidie Sharpe Award’ and I’m really, really good at wrestling so there aren’t many as good as Saidie Sharpe! So when the votes were tallied, the choice was clear … maybe next year you’ll be as good as me, "Headhuntress" Aiya I don't care if you're number nine, I'm still way better!”

“Sheesh. Don’t get yourself in trouble, Saidie. Anyways. Our next recipient is receiving this award because we’re not really sure what’s happening with her and we really hope to get it cleared up soon. We’ve all had our moments where we feel a little bit sour, but we’re a little bit sweet on the inside. So which one is it already?? The ‘Is She Sour, Or Is She Sweet? Presented by Sour Patch Kids Award’ goes to _.Candy._ !"

“There was only one superstar who could do the impossible in 2021. And that’s wield a more impressive stick than Dio. I mean that thing is massive …”

“How would you possibly know that?”

“Allegedly, I mean. That’s what they say.”

“Ohh.”

“Anyway, one superstar was able to conquer the donged one at WrestleFest, and so we wanted to honour that tonight along with one heck of a great first season with the ‘Kendo Sticked Dio Straight To Hell And By Hell We Mean Brawl Award’ so that one goes to Narumi Tsutsumi !"

“That’s so great. See you soon, Narumi. Alright it’s time for my last one. And this is one very special to me. Part of being an EWC Superstar is accepting that at some point or another, someone’s going to hurt you. And probably with a weapon. Chairs, tables, crowbars, chainsaws, anything can happen in EWC! But with all the hazards you can encounter, there’s only one superstar who looks so good with his head smashed through a car window. How satisfying it was … don’t you remember, House Hunters ?”

“Ohh boy, let’s not retread that. Alright, is everyone ready? It’s time for the final award of the evening. This is the big one. It was an up and down year for me, mentally, but I still came back and had some tremendous matches on Paramount and all around the EWC. So when it came to thinking of my ‘Favourite Opponent of the Year,’ it was a hard choice. But only one superstar had the balls to call me out on my shit time and time again and keep punching me in the face while he does it. So that’s why the winner of the most prestigious Sharpie of 2021 goes to …………………….. David Miller !”

The crowd gives a round of applause as Jordan steps up to stare right into the camera.

“Enjoy your trophy, Miller. I’ll keep enjoying my North American Championship. And when you scratch and claw your way back up from the back of the line I’ll still be here waiting. Hopefully you live up to the hype this time, buddy. Until that time, I’ll think you’ll have to just deal with the fact that I am and always will be, Paramount.”

He smirks as Carley and Saidie join beside him.

“That’s all the time we have tonight folks! For Jordan & Saidie Sharpe, I’m Carley California and we hope you enjoyed the Third Annual Sharpie Awards! Make sure you tune in to EWC Honors, whenever in the hell Mac decides to do them!" 

“GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!”

“WHAT SHE SAID!”

#2021SharpiesByJFS