Chapter 26: 'Sweetheart...I Said Heartburn...'

[TheSouthernExpress]

Tales from the Trails: 25 Greatest Stories from Outside the Wrestling Ring

I can’t tell you how excited Jimmy and I are for the lunch of our second book, Tales from the Trails: 25 Greatest Stories from Outside the Wrestling Ring…the follow up to the Best Seller The Southern Express: Then, Now and Forever and we penned 25 of the crazies stories over our legendary careers that we know you’re going to love however…

As many of you saw on Prime #108 I made a pretty MAJOR announcement…I’m going to be a father, my hot new girlfriend Liz is expecting and since I made that announcement my phone has been going crazy, text, calls and emails asking…Bobby how the hell did someone your age knock someone up…is that even possible…does she need a green card or something…didn’t you and Jimmy get vasectomies shortly after WrestleFest, covered by the fine people of Johannesburg so you two idiots wouldn’t flood South Africa with your bastard seed and I said STOP, all of you…my pecker still works, Liz didn’t need a green card…sure she’s Australian but is here on a work visa and as it turn out my vas deferens or sperm tube grew back together which I guess can happen in 0.025 % of the cases…so basically means my junk has super powers and healed itself…like Wolverine and it’s why I now call ‘HIM’ Logan…and as for being ‘too old’ man, Picasso had kids well into his 70’s, Al Pacino is 82 and he knocked up his 29 year old girlfriend ok…age is just a number and Liz makes me feel like I’m 40 again…so cool it with the judgmental questions but I’ll answer ONE question, how did this happen…with a special BONUS Chapter to our book…I hope you all enjoy!!!

Chapter 26: ‘Sweetheart…I Said Heartburn…’

To celebrate our 6 month anniversary I surprised Liz with a weekend away and Taylor Swift concert tickets but due to circumstances beyond my control we arrived at our hotel well after 10pm…see Liz wasn’t happy with the pictures going up on Instagram that afternoon and insisted on retakes by the pool before they were posted causing us to hit the road late…by the time we rolled up to the hotel I was starving and sensing that I was a bit annoyed she decided to go out and get me dinner while I checked in. Because she knows me so well…and not because we share an app Jimmy…she knew my go-to Chipotle order, white rice, double chicken, a small touch of hot salsa for flavor and a shit ton of cheese…well they gave me an entire spoon full of the hot stuff and I didn’t want to be a dick after she did something so nice for me so I ate it without a word…

The suite was amazing, king size bed, flat screen TV, full bar and best yet…and AMAZING SHOWER that I knew we had to try…after a little rub a dub blow job we hit the sack for a good night sleep. However, around 1:30 am that spoon full of hot sauce turned HEEL on good old Bobby Rose and I woke up with a terrible case of Heartburn. I went downstairs and asked the nice girl at the front desk if there was any way I could get a class of milk but unfortunately the kitchen was close and she couldn’t help so I hit up the vending machines and tried some 7-Up and went back to bed until I woke up again at 2:40 am. I tried some water but alas I was back up again at 3:15 am and this time I woke up Liz…

She asked me, “Is everything ok Bobby?” and I said “I have heartburn Liz…”, let me repeat that, I said “I have HEARTBURN Liz…it’s uncomfortable and a bit painful if I’m being honest with you…” I looked at her sweet face as she paused and looked at me, smiled and said, “Ok, well let’s take care of it then…” She pushed me onto my back, crawled up on me, pulled off her tank top and well…BOW CHICKA WOW WOW!!! Since I’m a guy I just went with it but as I laid there being ridden like the stallion I am I couldn’t help but wonder to myself…how did she think THIS was going to help with my heartburn…now I don’t want to be gross and too graphic so I’ll save you the dirty details but I’ll say just this, I finished with the power of a rocket ship blasting off from the launch pad and just like the couch in our suite IT WASN’T A PULL OUT!!!…She hopped off, rolled over and went back to sleep while I suffered quietly for the rest of the night…

The next morning while I uncovered our room service breakfast she looked at me and shook her head saying, “I can’t believe you woke me up for that…”, I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up, I was just in a little pain…” she smirked at me and said, “I have a hard on…seriously Bobby, of all the things to wake me up for…a HARD ON!!!” I paused for a second, processing everything she just said and smiled at her as I said, “Sweetheart, I said I had HEARTBURN…HEARTBURN!!!! Not a HARD ON…”

Needless to say she didn’t find the humor in this that I did and barely said a word to me the next day as her went sightseeing, took a bunch of pictures for the Gram and Tweeted about all the famous places we ate at…we went to see Tay Tay, which if I’m being honest didn’t live up to the hype…I mean she was ok but she’s no Madonna, Stevie Nicks or even Pat Banatar and seriously, if you’ve been through that many guys it’s you…yes, ‘you’re the problem it’s YOU TAYLOR!!!…’ but like every other dude there I bit my lip and suffered through it to make my lady happy…and hoping to get some road head on the way home...

After the concert we hop a plane to Australia to meet Jimmy for WrestleCon: Melbourne and enjoyed the Land Down Under, drinking Fosters, visited Roger The Kangaroo, you know the one that was fucking flexing on us when we were there from the 2021 Rumble and we even went and saw Harold and Eugene…those crazy old dudes those Hemorroids Tyler Bradford and Eddie Dozier paid to fight for their enjoyment…we busted them out TLC Aged Care for an afternoon of fun…topped off with Liz showing them her tata’s because well, they are amazing and if her’s were the last ones they would ever see she, “wanted them to see a A+ rack…”, seriously, isn’t she’s amazing…

WrestleCon was a HUGE success and we made some killer dough selling our merch but the real treat was a few months later when Liz came into my office with a smile on her face and tossed me a pee stick with two ++ on it…she said she was pregnant and sure… at first I was shocked and tried to escape through the window but she assured me everything was going to be great and plus… “my tits are going to get ever BIGGER BABY!!!”...which I have to stick around to see right…but one day, this kid is going to ask me, “Dad, was I a mistake…” given my advanced age and all but I’m going to sit him or her down and tell them, “Son/Daughter, you were NOT a mistake…you were just the result of your mother thinking I had a HARD ON when in fact I clearly said I had HEARTBURN…” and sure there is no way of knowing if that time was the one that knocked Liz up because as we all know, ‘Bobby Rose doesn’t wear condoms’ but in my heart of hearts I know that night my boys swam like the Record Breaking...History Making... CHAMPIONS they are, found that egg and fertilized the shit out of it…

Moral of the story kids, not all crazy nights happen in the clubs or bars…you don’t need 75 shots of tequila or a $1000 dollars in signals loaded into a money gun to ‘make it rain’ to have a night you’ll never forget…sometimes all you need is your Chipotle order to get fucked up to cause a chain of events that lead you to fatherhood…which as it turns out is the craziest ride you’ll ever take…Mazel Tov!!!